I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
