Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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