I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
