There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
