the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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