apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
