i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
