there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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