What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
