the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
