Is it because I queefed?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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