I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
