phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How naked do you want me to be?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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