Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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