I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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