Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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