I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
