Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
