im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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