just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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