The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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