If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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