My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
