Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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