went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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