Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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