Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
