super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
