i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
