I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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