I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
