He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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