The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
