finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
