i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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