Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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