After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
