cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
