I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
