Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
