I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
