she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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