i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
