I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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