No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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