did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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