After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
