I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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