Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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