Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
