My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
