listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
