I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
