She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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