Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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