just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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